For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
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This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
The big book of baby names but for safe words
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?