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i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”