@Marcmywords2

For cardio I live beyond my means.

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@Skoogeth

Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.

Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?

@KelleysBreakRm

The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.

@joshgondelman

The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.

@Playing_Dad

[Noah’s Ark]
Noah: How will the animals reproduce?
God: You took a male & female, right?
Noah: YOU SAID BRING 2 YOU DIDN’T SAY 1 OF EACH SEX

@Bdell1014

Having a crush on someone is so exciting. You know you’ll end up ruining things like you always do, but how? The possibilities are endless.

@Gupton68

Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.

@TheHyyyype

GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face

ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent

@samalmightysam

1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.

@GingerHotDish

My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.