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Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.