For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
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“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Remember folks 😂
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.