For Easter, I will hide pieces of IKEA furniture all over the house and then have my kid assemble it. If she succeeds, she gets chocolate.

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I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.


In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.


My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.


HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again


Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna


ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!



I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.


Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.