@moose_chocolate

For Easter, I will hide pieces of IKEA furniture all over the house and then have my kid assemble it. If she succeeds, she gets chocolate.

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@JohnLyonTweets

I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.

@ericsshadow

In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.

@Social_Mime

My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.

@bornmiserable

HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again

@OctopusCaveman

Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna

@chuuew

ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!

CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No

@AndrewNadeau0

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.

@GABBYdaAngSaya

Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.