@lecalabara

For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.

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@mommajessiec

Reasons people get divorced:

-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy

@KalvinMacleod

MOM: finish your dinner

SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full

MOM: hi full, I’m mom

DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*

@benerdist

A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?

@Breadery

Things I learnt from Avatar:

– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.

@cathisamazing

Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.

Explain yourselves.

@JediGigi

Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.

@3sunzzz

My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.

@XplodingUnicorn

Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.

@bingowings14

[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.