Reasons people get divorced:
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
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MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service!
*takes off pants*
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.