For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
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I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
repaired
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
your honor my client chooses dare
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
The Compass
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable