For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.

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[rubs magic lamp]

GENIE: You get 3 wishes


GENIE: No wishin for more wishes

“I wish for more genies”

GENIE: I don’t like you


“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED



student: can i go to the bathroom

teacher: *slams revolver on desk* i don’t know, can you


robbers: [leaving with my tv]

me: WAIT


me: can you close the door


ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more


Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.


I don’t trust rabbits…

Anything that’s happy with just lettuce is suspicious