For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
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Every work meeting this week
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE