Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
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I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
#dnd #ttrpg
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
A completely valid reaction tbh
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
repaired
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble