@Mickey_McCauley

For every hour that passes without payment, I will teach another hostage “Wonderwall” on acoustic guitar and release him back to you

You Might Also Like

@SouthernStylin1

Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-

Why my cw hates me

@SamGrittner

They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.

@ehdannyboy

I think I might have a shower.

*checks*

Yes, I have a shower.

@ArfMeasures

Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife

@badbanana

“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.

@DrakeGatsby

Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.

@weinerdog4life

You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that

@ShortSleeveSuit

[Farmer’s market]

Me: One of your finest farmers plz

Farmer: That’s not how this works

Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own

@fabulouscop

what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings