remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
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I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Try and stop me.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.