@SallingsSam

For every selfie you take, the universe throws another rock at our planet.

For every selfie you take, the universe throws another rock at our planet.

- @SallingsSam

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@SardonicTart

Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?

Me: Is that water or vodka?

Him: Vodka.

Me: Empty.

@QwertyJones3

[first date]

HER: Do you have any hobbies?

ME: Yes! Wait, did you say “hobbits”?

HER: No, hobbies

ME: Oh, then no

@iamspacegirl

me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.

refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES

@BlindChow

[pitching script]

WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…

PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?

W: it’s a burrito

P: holy shit

@VampireIguana

*flips table*

YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS

@Smooheed

When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’

@fillthevacuum

Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?

*removes 14 stick figures from car*

@SuperJuanderer

Me: Weaknesses? Oh, I’d say not relating well to other sentient beings.
-I meant about the janitor job.
Me: Oh ya, I don’t know how to sweep

@envydatropic

Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection

@TheHyyyype

[my first day as a psychologist]

patient: i’ve been hearing voices

me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours