I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
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If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Did…did a minotaur write this
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?