For every selfie you take, the universe throws another rock at our planet.

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When my wife said let’s do something fun for our anniversary I had no idea she meant together. I’m a man not a mind reader. I forgive you.


Him: Amazon Prime and chill?

Her: That’s not something people say.

Him: Sure it is. Bing it.

Her: Also not a thing.


If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.


you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve


Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.


Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.


When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised


*lays in bed*
“Did I leave the oven on? When’s the last time I even baked anything? Like 6 months? I should probably still check to be sure”


Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.


(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*