Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
You Might Also Like
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
He is just living hist best little life 😊
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT