For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
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My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
*me flirting
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.