For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
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Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.