Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
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Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Anime is real
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.