For Halloween I put a empty bowl outside my door with a sign that says

“please take one”

That way it looks like I actually had candy once

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I’m getting the hang of this hermit thing.
I only eat one meal a day now. It starts at 9 am and ends at 7:30 pm, but still.


When the cashier asks for my signature, I just write “HELP ME” while maintaining eye contact


ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..

APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable


[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.


I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born


13: I have a friend that doesn’t like baseball, chocolate, or bacon.

Me: Pretty sure that’s not a friend, bro.


Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes


I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.