I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
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triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Detective: Between the hour-
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
You call them natural disasters. I call them destructive criticism.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”