@UnFitz

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.

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@TheDeducers

I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice

@weasel_babe

triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture

@Lisa_Laughs_

Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter

@KentWGraham

My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.

From the dryer.

@CulturedRuffian

Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.

@drewtoothpaste

me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time

@Sophie2078

*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.

@NicCageMatch

Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”