@UnFitz

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.

You Might Also Like

@

a:1:{s:7:”retweet”;i:3;}

@TheRolo

STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-

ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all

@kristinb5150

being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”

@Shade510

Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.

Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.

@mommajessiec

My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.

@DillDoes

[Bar]
“What’ll you have”
Scotch
“You want it neat”
No thanks
*bartender throws some crumbs and hair in my whisky*
Thanks

@rajandelman

[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care

@maisonwithapen

[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in

@1Happytwit

I know I have 19 items in the 15 items or less isle, but I’m pretty sure the tampons, painkillers, cheesecake and tequila count as one item.

@Froschauer_AF

Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.