For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.

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STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-

ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all


being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”


Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.

Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.


My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.


“What’ll you have”
“You want it neat”
No thanks
*bartender throws some crumbs and hair in my whisky*


[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care


[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in


I know I have 19 items in the 15 items or less isle, but I’m pretty sure the tampons, painkillers, cheesecake and tequila count as one item.


Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.