a:1:{s:7:”retweet”;i:3;}
@UnFitz
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
You Might Also Like
@TheRolo
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
@kristinb5150
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
@Shade510
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
@mommajessiec
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
@DillDoes
[Bar]
“What’ll you have”
Scotch
“You want it neat”
No thanks
*bartender throws some crumbs and hair in my whisky*
Thanks
@rajandelman
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
@maisonwithapen
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
@1Happytwit
I know I have 19 items in the 15 items or less isle, but I’m pretty sure the tampons, painkillers, cheesecake and tequila count as one item.
@Froschauer_AF
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.