For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
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My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Got ya covered
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen