@WendyLiebman

For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.

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@Brentweets

Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.

@TheBoydP

“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”

Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza

@juliussharpe

If you just got invited to do something on New Year’s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.

@TheMichaelRock

We’d probably have a lot less crime if superheroes would stop making movies all the time.

@weinerdog4life

I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner

@buhsbaby_baby

Stranger: Ooohh what breed is he?!

Me *rolling my eyes* : He’s a doggie.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.

@pilau

Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”

@bea_ker

“And, as we commit our brother Whack-A-Mole to the earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust…”

*another coffin slowly rises behind him*

@_Mo_lee_

Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..