For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.

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Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.


“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”

Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza


If you just got invited to do something on New Year’s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.


We’d probably have a lot less crime if superheroes would stop making movies all the time.


I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner


Stranger: Ooohh what breed is he?!

Me *rolling my eyes* : He’s a doggie.


The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.


Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”


“And, as we commit our brother Whack-A-Mole to the earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust…”

*another coffin slowly rises behind him*


Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..