When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren’t my kids but he’d never fire a Mom of seven, right?
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
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Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Sex in your 40’s:
* CRRRACK *
Her: Was that me or you?
Me: Just go with it, we’ll assess injuries later.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.
You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.