@scarebro

“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.

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@onelongbender

When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren’t my kids but he’d never fire a Mom of seven, right?

@ItsAndyRyan

[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back

@BunAndLeggings

We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident

@freshestginger

*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!

*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*

@DaddyJew

My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs

@summerofbenny

“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.

@Midlifecrisis18

Sex in your 40’s:

(Position change)

* CRRRACK *

Her: Was that me or you?

Me: Just go with it, we’ll assess injuries later.

@praisecheese

Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.