“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
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Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
How do dragons blow out candles?
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you