Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
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Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too