I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
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Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.