For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
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Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Note to self: always read the final line
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Me irl