@CheeseDaydreams

For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.

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@WryBry

Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.

@beeple

so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one

@i_Lean

And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.

@mom_tho

My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.

@KentWGraham

After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.

@lisaxy424

When I think about you, I touch myself.

In the face.

With my fist.

@dorsalstream

casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet

@Kernsti

Doctors love to slip in that worst case scenario.

“It could be a cold or strep throat or WEST NILE VIRUS but I’m sure it’s nothing.”