For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.

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Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.


so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one


And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.


My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.


After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.


When I think about you, I touch myself.

In the face.

With my fist.


casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet


Doctors love to slip in that worst case scenario.

“It could be a cold or strep throat or WEST NILE VIRUS but I’m sure it’s nothing.”