@stuartrutten

For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.

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@pilau

wife: our beautiful baby girl

me: she’s got your eyes

wife: and your nose

Gimili: and my axe

@bornmiserable

“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.

@UncleDuke1969

I wanted to look sharp!

Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.

Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…

Now, I look like an idiom.

@omerwahaj

If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.

@toastymoe

Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.

@ArfMeasures

Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?

Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!

@_steamy_mac

Some weird dude on the street just told me that the end is near and now I can’t stop hugging him and saying, “thank you.”

@imdaintyaf

Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.