For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
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Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.