For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
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In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?