For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
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You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
do what now??
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk