For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
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my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Left at a local drug store…
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.