@MomOfTeen

For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.

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@KalvinMacleod

DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*

@TheTweetOfGod

Being God means never having to say you’re sorry. Or anything, really.

@RocketRankoon

I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’

@Jeffwni

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

@Tbone7219

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.

@EndhooS

[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.

@prawn_meat

a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected

@BoomBoomBetty

I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years

@JayTuvz

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.