For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
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My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
My life coach traded me.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Oh my god
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.