Wife: We’ve been robbed!
Me: I called the copse
Wife: You mean the COPS?
Group of trees: Hi, we’re Special Branch
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
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Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Friend: what the hell is that?
Me: it’s my putter, I made it myself from peanuts
Friend: that’s dumb!
Me: don’t be jelly of my peanut-putter
Grampa: Hashtag, Cool glasses.
Me: Hashtags are a social media thing. You don’t have to say, hashtag
G: Hashtag, not my favorite grandson
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
If by “flexible” you mean “can I get my foot behind my head?” then yes, I am.
If you mean “can I get my foot back down?” then no, I am not.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.