For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.

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Wife: We’ve been robbed!
Me: I called the copse
Wife: You mean the COPS?
Group of trees: Hi, we’re Special Branch


Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?


People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.


Friend: what the hell is that?
Me: it’s my putter, I made it myself from peanuts
Friend: that’s dumb!
Me: don’t be jelly of my peanut-putter


Grampa: Hashtag, Cool glasses.

Me: Hashtags are a social media thing. You don’t have to say, hashtag

G: Hashtag, not my favorite grandson


If by “flexible” you mean “can I get my foot behind my head?” then yes, I am.

If you mean “can I get my foot back down?” then no, I am not.


I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.


*Walks 500 miles

*Walks 500 more

*Is the guy who falls down at your door


*Gets no answer

*Realizes he should have called first


The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.