“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
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just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Breaking news:
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
What an awful time to have common sense.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.