HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
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Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)
Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Google+ is starting to sound like a half-way house for people that aren’t phony enough for Facebook but aren’t edgy enough for Twitter.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit