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@_ElvishPresley_

HER: I love how we always finish each other’s

HIM:

HER:

HIM:

HER: Marriages

@HMittelmark

Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.

@Eden_Eats

If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.

@TragicAllyHere

Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)

Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”

@Mirimade

I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.

@DougStanhope

16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.

@RandiLawson

I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.

@CandyEmpires

Google+ is starting to sound like a half-way house for people that aren’t phony enough for Facebook but aren’t edgy enough for Twitter.

@Reverend_Scott

“Kids are picking on me, Mom”

I’ll teach you how to fight, son.

“Yes!”

[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]

@TheToddWilliams

BOSS: I have some tough news

INVISIBLE MAN: Go on

BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities

INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit