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*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?


The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.


After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.


What medications do I take?

I’m not sure. The names on my neighbor’s prescription bottles are ridiculously long


4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!

Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.

4: Why?


Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”


Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.


Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”


Two guys in CA walked off cliff playing Pokémon.

Natural selection accelerated at 9.8 m/sec².


Me: Time for school.

5-year-old: But we had three days off.

Me: So?

5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.

Teachers don’t get paid enough.