*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
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which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
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Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Cause of death: Zumba
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.