For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
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ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
I think I’ll stand
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Breaking news:
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Bloody internet 😳
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich