For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
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When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
I’m giving up ice.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Anyone want a chair?
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
They did not miss in the small print