For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.

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Ladies, if he says he would go to the “end of the earth” for you and then he goes missing, check Finland.


This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.


*at casino*

When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.

It will leave him speechless.


[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*


“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”

“piles of health that is! LOL”

“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”


In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.


Ur hot plz marry me.
*no reply*


[stuck on an island]
message in bottle: if anyone gets this, please save us
bottle returns: if this gets 10k RTs on Twitter we’ll send help


You: Where’s Carl?

Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind

You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?

Me: Funny you should ask


Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’