@TheSharona06

For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.

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@Scott_A_Gilmore

Ladies, if he says he would go to the “end of the earth” for you and then he goes missing, check Finland.

@Swishergirl24

This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.

@_Water_Baby

*at casino*

When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.

It will leave him speechless.

@13spencer

[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*

@Fred_Delicious

“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”

“piles of health that is! LOL”

“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”

@Love_bug1016

In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.

@leez_rat

Ur hot plz marry me.
*no reply*
OH MY GOSH SORRY FOR THE POCKET TEXT LMAO

@LaziestCanine

[stuck on an island]
message in bottle: if anyone gets this, please save us
bottle returns: if this gets 10k RTs on Twitter we’ll send help

@ThugRaccoons

You: Where’s Carl?

Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind

You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?

Me: Funny you should ask

@Try2StopME

Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’