FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
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[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals