@bornmiserable

FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby

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@GlennyRodge

Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

@drhappyknuckles

*couples therapy*

WIFE: He has become extremely cold and distant.

HUSBAND (via skype, from an arctic research base): Not true.

@pleatedjeans

[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]

@UnFitz

“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.

@envydatropic

What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?

An acquaintance

@Steven37366100

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: *throwing up blood*

Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?

@HaydenKristal

Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices

@matt___nelson

[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit

@AGStr8upNinja

How to be a Canadian:

1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick