FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
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7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?