For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
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By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”