For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
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ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know