For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.

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Maybe artists wouldn’t be so starving all the time if they’d just eat all that fruit they’re always painting.


*checks my phone to see what time it is*

[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*

[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*


Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.



Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.

Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.


Sorry, I can’t take your call right now, I’m all tied up.

-submissive’s answering machine.


*date leans in* Tell me something I don’t know about you.

*I lean in* I have a french fry in my pocket.


COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”


Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”


COOKING TIP: Quickly slice a block of cheese by throwing it through a harp.