For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
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virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
I can’t deal with men any longer
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread