Maybe artists wouldn’t be so starving all the time if they’d just eat all that fruit they’re always painting.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
You Might Also Like
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*
[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Thank you, internet, thank you. 😂 #Covfefe
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Sorry, I can’t take your call right now, I’m all tied up.
-submissive’s answering machine.
*date leans in* Tell me something I don’t know about you.
*I lean in* I have a french fry in my pocket.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
COOKING TIP: Quickly slice a block of cheese by throwing it through a harp.