@kjmeow

“FOR SALE: blender, like new. Does NOT make things taste like crayons
ALSO FOR SALE: wax fruit, slightly scratched.”

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@verycozy

ME: I have crab like reflexes

DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes

ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:8:”kelkulus”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3278807262/1fcf70b5a66e936d490699028532762d_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”344496860775460864″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”122″;s:5:”tweet”;s:106:”I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@fro_vo

ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked

@AristotlesNZ

Me: I don’t like online shopping. I’m old school. I need to touch it, smell it, taste it.
Her: I still need you to leave our lingerie store.

@Nathan_NC17

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

@capnmcfword

I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.

@dogheadcoffee

You got acute appendicitis ..

No, YOU got a cute appendicitis *winks at doctor*

@QwertyJones3

“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”

“No whey!”

@whatmaddness

[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]