Gf: you’re speeding!
Me: no im not
Gf: what’s the speed limit?
Me: the speed limit is the liquor store is about to close
“FOR SALE: blender, like new. Does NOT make things taste like crayons
ALSO FOR SALE: wax fruit, slightly scratched.”
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Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Just had a customer giving me his email and he said “E as in X-ray” 😭
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Whenever I see someone posting a picture with a celebrity, I comment: “Who’s that next to you?”
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”