@kjmeow

“FOR SALE: blender, like new. Does NOT make things taste like crayons
ALSO FOR SALE: wax fruit, slightly scratched.”

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@DaddyJew

Gf: you’re speeding!

Me: no im not

Gf: what’s the speed limit?

Me: the speed limit is the liquor store is about to close

Gf: drive

@Jenn_H_Scott

Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly

9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do

@turtledumplin

Just had a customer giving me his email and he said “E as in X-ray” 😭

@ArfMeasures

COP: I’m arresting you

ME: oh no

COP: You must make one phone call

ME: OH NO

@Shen_the_Bird

A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade

@PanicRestroom

Whenever I see someone posting a picture with a celebrity, I comment: “Who’s that next to you?”

@junkyardigan

I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.

@bobvulfov

BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time

@Thrill_Tweeter

H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”

“A puppy.”

“Pick something else.”

“A different puppy.”