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I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing