god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
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*cat rubs against genie lamp*
G: you get one wish
Cat:*makes eye contact & slowly pushes lamp off table*
G: guess who just wished for a dog
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
1. Put “Out of Order” sign on a staircase.
2. Wait until someone says, “Stairs can’t be out of order!” and uses them.
3. Release the bees.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
me: [handing back newborn son] idk man his vibe is off
me: im not vibing with this baby man
doctor: *to my wife* is he being serious
my wife: your vibe is kinda off too man idk
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!