@Ristolable

For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

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@aspiringtoucan

god: call them deer

angel: ok. what do they look like

god: eh pretty normal

angel: ok

god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face

@NewDadNotes

*cat rubs against genie lamp*
G: you get one wish
Cat:*makes eye contact & slowly pushes lamp off table*
G: guess who just wished for a dog

@sofarrsogud

It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.

@Quartzjixler

Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.

@rolldiggity

1. Put “Out of Order” sign on a staircase.
2. Wait until someone says, “Stairs can’t be out of order!” and uses them.
3. Release the bees.

@Ygrene

[first day as an art thief]

Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money

@GrantTanaka

me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me

@RuinMyWeek

Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”

Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”

@_coryrichardson

me: [handing back newborn son] idk man his vibe is off

doctor: what

me: im not vibing with this baby man

doctor: *to my wife* is he being serious

my wife: your vibe is kinda off too man idk

@TheAlexNevil

Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!