Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.

If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.

If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.

If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.

If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.

My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.

The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.

*Walks in late to dinner*

I see fed people.

Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.

I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”

Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive

I’m pretty like a car crash.

I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?

Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”

My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.

I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand

Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.

Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.

I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single

Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers

As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭

I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes

Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.

No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.

Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?

Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!

I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie

walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal

I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence