For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
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me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
i- i did not expect this
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.