For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
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If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
My last name is Zilla.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
me linking you to my twitter
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*