FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
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I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Breaking news:
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.