@Steelers1972

For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.

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@TheDreamGhoul

BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*

@mahatmatweeter

That’s nice Julia that you lost your keys and posted it on FB. I’ve lost my mind and I post it on twitter.

@adilansari

Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.

Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?

@Gupton68

me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller

her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you

@SpokeAna

Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.

Never seen a man cry like that before.

@atanya1111

At age 40 you gain the capacity to fall totally chemically head over heels in love with a refrigerator.

@Sickayduh

My cat’s tongue is like a little piece of sandpaper. I’m scratched to hell but this floor is almost finished.

@ericsshadow

20’s: You can eat whatever you want.

30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.

40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.

@ManJuggs

The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.