For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
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Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did